Eating my words

I have been reading the dictionary.
Yes, life in Seaford is that exciting.

The purpose of the exercise was to see if, technically speaking, the Drudester actually eats. My theory was that he did not eat because eating involves chewing and tasting.
But apparently I was wrong.

According to Yahoo dictionary “to eat” means the following:
- To take into the body by the mouth for digestion or absorption;
- To destroy, ravage, or use up by or as if by ingesting;
- To bother or annoy (eg “what’s eating him?”);
- To perform oral sex on.

I can confirm that the Drudester definitely does 3 out of 4 of the above to his food.
Actually, come to think of it and the way he eats an icecream cone, it could be 4 out of 4.

The Drudester “eats” like he has a personal vendetta against every morsal on his plate, and they must all die, die, die. The moment the plate is placed on the table is like the starter’s gun. His sole purpose is then to stab as many pieces of food or to load as much as food as possible on his overladen fork and shovel it into his mouth, load after load after load, like a perpetual suburban Guiness Book of Records contestant. Breathing is a violation of the rules, as is using your taste buds or letting food touch any part of the mouth cavity as it is catapulted down the gullet. And although is not a technical violation, talking is frowned upon, unless you can multitask without dropping speed. In what can be seen as a mixed blessing for our relationship, the Drudester has managed to master that skill.

“What does your food taste like?” I once asked the Drudester, interested to discover what salad plus quiche plus rice plus garlic bread tasted like in the same mouthful. Was it an explosion of different tastes around the mouth, or was it one strong taste with subtle undercurrents of others?
“I dunno” he replied through a full mouth. “Food”.
I observed Neanderthal man in silence for a while. Stab, stab, stab, shovel, stab, stab, stab, shovel, stab, stab, stab, shovel. After a few minutes the Drudester displayed a mouthful of pasta, chocolate, salad, chips, cheese, icecream, pizza, toast and a hotdog as he concluded the issue.
“I know you are laughing at me” he said “But I will rise above it”.
Yeah, I thought, and stab it from a great height with a reeelly long fork …